I never wanted to hear that phrase in the immediate aftermath of my losses. I mean, who would? In that moment, it doesn't feel like you're living at all, and truth be told, many times you wish you were dead just so that you could hold your little one for a single moment.
Here's my story.
While I always knew I had wanted a family and lots of kids, I never thought I'd be pregnant at 18. Either way, I was super excited about it and had an uneventful pregnancy went into labor and gave birth 6 weeks early to my first son. He was beautiful and perfect and I couldn't imagine life getting better than this. Of course, within just a matter of a year or so, I was ready to add another little blessing to the mix as I just loved being a mom and all the moments shared with my child. So...we figured all we'd have to do was 'try' a bit, right...you know, the whole 'be fruitful and multiply' thing, or as my husband kept saying, "Let's get biblical!" Nice, right? Well, after a few months in and no pregnancy yet, I had to admit I felt a little broken.
After what felt like such a long time (which in reality was just 9 months), just a week or so after New Years 2006, I missed the start of a new cycle. I didn't even have time to do a pregnancy test, though, before I started bleeding and losing my baby at 5 weeks pregnant on January 24th, 2006. Needless to say, I was in a bit of shock, but never let the actual situation process in my brain. Maybe it was due to my treatment from the MTF and doctor there (I had been in to the OB there on base asking about getting pregnant and when I went in telling them about my loss, they completely brushed me off saying 'it happens' and told me it was my fault because my iron was consistently low). Maybe it was because I had never been exposed to anyone's experience with a miscarriage. Or maybe I was just in denial. For whatever reason, I never did too much grieving and I have paid for that quite a bit since then.
It was another 9 months later that we found out I was expecting again, and this time we did go on to have our second living child, a little girl, in May 2007. The pregnancy, however, was very eventful, including going into the ER at 6 weeks pregnant with awful abdominal pain, having them do an ultrasound and tell me that I would probably miscarry. I was so very grateful to have her in my arms 9 months later, despite the anxiety attacks in the hospital.
Since it had taken us a year and a half to achieve a 'successful pregnancy' (how awful a phrase is that?), we never thought that we could get pregnant again without trying for a lengthy period of time. Oh, how wrong that assumption was! Just 3 months after that birth, I was pregnant again! Right around the time we found out I was pregnant, I did start spotting a bit, and of course I got scared. Then at 8.5 weeks pregnant, we lost our baby on October 23, 2007. I wasn't prepared at all for the physical pain that came with it. Sure, with my first loss, there was a bit more cramping and bleeding than usual, but nothing like this. I really did almost feel like I was in labor at some points as it was a lot of pressure and pain. After 2 days of heavy bleeding, I passed my baby on the 3rd day. As gross or horrible as it may sound, I actually got to hold my angel this time and it brought such a sense of release and closure. I still didn't give myself much time to grieve, but at least I felt that I had the chance to hold my precious little angel.
Even more surprising than getting pregnant at 3 months postpartum after trying for a year and a half to have a living child was the fact that I got pregnant again that very next cycle after my second miscarriage. And that sweet rainbow baby was a precious little girl born naturally after a very smooth pregnancy in August 2008. Definitely her angels watching over her.
At that point in my life, I really did feel ready and called to have more children whenever God decided we should, but I didn't feel the need to try like we did for our second child. So it was a nice 'surprise' to find out we were expecting again in early August 2009! We were due to go on vacation at the beach the second week in September and I was hoping to break the news to our family we were going with at that point. On the morning of August 11th, I woke up and just felt my heart drop. I felt wet and somehow just knew it was over. No one else was awake yet, so I walked outside to just cry by myself. The sun had just come up and as I looked over to a neighbors fence, it was covered in beautiful bluish purple flowers. I looked them up and found out they are called Morning Glories and only open for a short time in the morning, then close again in the afternoon and evenings. It seemed perfect to find on that particular morning and gave me a bit of comfort.
Since then, I have gone on to have 2 more living children, resulting in 5 living children and 3 angel babies. Each time I meet with a health care provider, they ask the questions about how many pregnancies and just nonchalantly go about their jobs asking about when they were lost and such without any feeling or emotion. Sure, I haven't in any way fully grieved any of my angels, but it just feels like I can't really talk about it or say much to anyone. Yet, this is my story and this is now my 'safe place' to share it. And LIFE goes on....
Blessings and peace to you,
Leslie
