Day 29 : Music

Music really does move and touch me like nothing else, and I have always found it a lot easier to express myself by listening to and singing with music than with words alone. Because of this, there are MANY songs that I associate with my miscarriages and angels, so I will try to narrow it down to just a few.



And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
When all that I've known is lost and found
I promise you I, I'll come back to you one day

I've done everything to move on like I'm supposed to

I'd give anything for one more minute with you

I still miss you

I still miss you baby

Here comes goodbye

Here comes the last time

Here comes the start of every sleepless night

The first of every tear I'm gonna cry

Here comes the pain

Here comes me wishing things had never changed

And she was right here in my arms tonight

But here comes goodbye

Blessings and peace to you,

Leslie

Day 27 : Artwork

When I lost Seth, I found this picture and absolutely love it. I see it in my mind everytime I think of my angels in the arms of Jesus. I know He loves them just as much as I do.

Blessings and peace to you,

Leslie

Day 26 : Their Age

This picture basically says it all. Lost 2 angels at 5 weeks pregnant and one at 8.5 weeks pregnant. Missing them everyday.

Blessings and peace to you,

Leslie

Day 24 : Siblings

I have 5 living children, and 4 of them are Rainbow Babies. My first miscarriage was while we were trying to conceive our second child and had been trying for 9 months already. I was crushed of course to lose a baby, but even more so since we had been actively wanting a child for the previous 9 months only to never be able to say hello. We found ourselves expecting again 9 months later and we had our second living child. Only 3 months postpartum, we found out we were pregnant again! Very unexpected since it took a year and a half to conceive our take home baby. We lost that baby at 8.5 weeks. That very same cycle, however, we conceived again and had our third living child. Our 3rd child was just turning 1 yr old when we found out we were pregnant again! Our joy didn't last long, however, as we lost that baby at 5 weeks pregnant. It was a few more months before we got pregnant again and had our fourth living child. I was very scared when I got pregnant again in November 2011 as my history, as you've seen, seemed to be to have one living child, then one miscarriage, and back and forth. We were very blessed to get through that pregnancy full term and have our fifth living child.

Since our losses were early on in the pregnancy, our children do not really know about our angels. They know that there were babies in mommy's tummy that went straight to heaven, but don't know much more than that. Still, I know that each of my children are watched over by our angels everyday. :)

Blessings and peace to you,

Leslie

Day 23 : Their Name/Their Photo

All 3 of my angels grew wings very early on in pregnancy, so of the 3, I only have a photo of one. The photo I have is of my second angel, Seth, who I lost at 8.5 weeks pregnant. The photo is probably disturbing for most, so I will not post it openly here as I have other pictures, but I will post a link to the picture if you do wish to see him. For the others, I will simply post remembrance pics of their time with me.


Aimee Elizabeth, born to heaven on January 24, 2006 at 5 weeks pregnant
Photo taken by the amazingly talented Carly Marie over at Christian's Beach (Names In The Sand)

Seth Bennett, born to heaven on October 23, 2007 at 8.5 weeks pregnant
Strangely enough, today marks 5 years since I have lost my precious baby. I have only shared his photo with a handful of people, most being early loss moms themselves who just didn't know what to possibly expect.
I have posted my only belly pic I took here as I have very few pictures of his time with me, but here is a link to my precious little Seth's photo. *Must warn you that it may be disturbing for some people. View at your own discretion.*

Lily Dawn, born to heaven on August 11, 2009 at 5 weeks pregnant
Sharing another 'beginning' belly pic here. I like to take a belly picture as soon as I find out I am pregnant to compare to my BIG baby belly later on.

Blessings and peace to you,
Leslie

Day 20 : Charity/Organization

There have been a few organizations that have helped me through the tough times and is of course there during the better times as well.

Angel Baby Inc.

Babies In The Sky

And this FB Page, Angel Pregnancies, was created by a friend after a second trimester loss of her precious son.

Blessings and peace to you,
Leslie

Day 17 : Anniversary/Birth Day/Due Date

Since my losses were so early, I never really focused too much on the Due Date aspect, though I do remember the days when they went to heaven. Most of the time, life goes on as usual with the rest of my children and I get so busy that I don't take the time to remember them in ways that I want to. But, without a doubt, I do remember them, especially on their Angelversaries. Usually it's just spending some time alone and having a good cry. Sometimes that's all you need.

Blessings and peace to you, 

Leslie

Day 16 : Release

I have never done a release myself, though some amazing mamas from Angel Baby over in Australia did remember my angels on a balloon release a few years back. They have such a wonderful community of 'mums' there (I just love saying the word in my head in their awesome Australian accent!) and I am so glad to be a part of it. I used to be much more active, yet as of late, I haven't been. Pretty sad about it as they are such wonderful ladies. Life sure can keep you busy sometimes. 

Blessings and peace to you,

Leslie

Day 15 : Wave of Light

Today is October 15th, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. On this day every year, families and friends of those who have lost their little ones are encouraged to light candles at 7pm in their time zone to create a 'Wave of Light' for an entire day all over the globe in remembrance of all our angels. I have participated the past few years, and here are our candles from tonight's 'Wave of Light' here in our home.

Blessings and peace to you,

Leslie

Day 14 : Community

I have not personally attended anything within the community related to infant or pregnancy loss. The main reason has been because I feel so guilty for having living children and not wanting to bring them around others in fear of triggering painful emotions.

Since I have nothing to share with my local community, I will share some pics of memorials with my Earthly community of my candles from past October 15th's. I always light my candles for my own angels here at home and remember and pray for angel families all over the world.

Blessings and peace to you,

Leslie

Day 13 : Signs

There have been a few signs that I believe have been from my angels over the years. None were as memorable as the one that happened the week after I lost my second angel baby at 8.5 weeks pregnant.

Anna was still very little and Preston was 4 years old, and as was the norm, after everyone went to bed and I was getting ready to go to bed, I checked the doors and windows to make sure they were locked and that everything in the house was turned off. As I was walking back to my bedroom to go to sleep, one of the kids' toys (that usually only responds by being touched) went off and said "I love you". I picked it up and found the toy to be turned off already. I sat it back down and as I walked by it again, it said it again. When I told my husband in the morning, of course he didn't believe me, but I know for a fact that's what it said and I feel most certain it was from my angel.

Blessings and peace to you,

Leslie

Day 12 : Scents

I really do wish I had taken the time to grieve any of my angels, but that simply didn't happen. I've been fighting with guilt from the very first day of my very first miscarriage, feeling like I shouldn't be upset because 'it happens' to women my age and there's nothing to do but 'move on'. Because of not allowing myself to grieve or really attach anything (emotionally or physically) with my angels, I don't have a specific scent, such as a flower or anything, to remember them by. The one scent I can remember when I think of my angel babies, though, is the beach and ocean. As I've posted about before, our third loss was in mid-August 2009, just a couple weeks before we were to go on a family vacation to the beach. I was really struggling with what, if anything, to say and how to act/feel. In the end, of course I knew we had all been anticipating the trip and I was just hoping I could hold myself together long enough to enjoy the trip with my children. The sounds and scents of the ocean were just mesmerizing and peaceful.

Blessings and peace to you,

Leslie

Day 11 : Supportive Friends/Family

Having never been exposed to or familiar with miscarriage before my first loss, I had no idea what to expect from others. For the most part, we didn't tell anyone, so no one else knew or had the opportunity to be supportive. With my second and third, however, we had told at least a couple people each time. While I would get a hug or a comment here or there when I first told, there really wasn't anything that I felt was true support through those times. Admittedly, I don't have many close friends that I share my heart with often, so that probably has a lot to do with it. But, overall I just felt lonely.

Blessings and peace to you,

Leslie

Day 10 : Symbol

There is one symbol that will always remind me of my angels. It's the Morning Glory. After my third miscarriage, I saw one blooming on a neighbors fence and that has never left my mind. I see it as beauty in the midst of pain and darkness.

Blessings and peace to you,

Leslie

Day 9 : Special Place

I don't really have one specific special place to remind me of my angels, however I do have a type of place and there are many of them. Throughout the years, I have found that during my losses and immediately after, I am drawn to water. Whether it be a pond, a lake or an ocean, I find the water to be so peaceful and gentle and just healing to watch. Sitting there just looking out over a body of water with it's small ripples and gentle waves just allows me to clear my mind of all the clutter and reflect clearly on everything. I am so thankful for the comfort and peace I have gained all while simply gazing upon the water.

Blessings and peace to you,

Leslie

Day 8 : Jewelry

After losing my babies, I of course felt like many bereaved mothers do....empty. Since my losses were so early on, however, I didn't have anything tangible to keep and remember my angels by. I chose to search out a piece of jewelry that I could wear in remembrance of my angels, but that wouldn't be too flashy or bring about a lot of questions. I know many women do like to talk about their angel babies, but at that point, I was feeling a lot of guilt and uncertainty about what to actually feel or do or say when it came to my losses. Over the years, my children have pulled on and broken the chains I have worn it on a few times (and I am currently waiting on a new chain to put it on again), but I do like to wear it and remember that my angels are close to my heart.

Blessings and peace to you,

Leslie

Day 7 : What To Say

While there is nothing that takes away the pain or heartache of losing a baby, it does feel good to just hear 'I'm sorry' without any other comments. It simply acknowledges that you understand I have lost someone precious and dear to my heart and that my grief and pain are 'real' and valid to someone besides myself.

Blessings and peace to you,

Leslie

Day 6 : What Not To Say

There are so many things you don't want to hear after losing a pregnancy and baby. These are just a couple of the ones that deeply hurt me.

Blessings and peace to you,

Leslie

Day 5 : Memorial

When I first posted to the Angel Pregnancies FB Group starting this 'Capture Your Grief' journey, I joined in on Day 5. Without sitting and thinking, I posted first my picture of my memorial jewelry. I went back and read through the project and saw that jewelry is for another day. So then I posted this...

This picture is of a memorial done by a sweet angel mama for other angel mommies all over the world. It was after my first two losses and before my third, so only two of my angels are remembered here.

Then, last night as I saw myself in the mirror (notice, I don't actively look much anymore at myself, I just happen to notice every now and then), I was reminded of my very first memorial for my angels, or rather just 'angel' at that point. Right after my first loss, I chose to get a tattoo in remembrance of my angel baby. 

Blessings and peace to you,

Leslie

Day 4 : Most Treasured Item

Since all 3 of my miscarriages were first trimester losses, I never had any 'thing' to keep from their time with me. I'm not one to keep pregnancy tests or anything like that, though I do have a picture of my pregnancy tests with my 2nd and 3rd losses.


Positive pregnancy test with my 2nd miscarriage

Positive pregnancy test with my 3rd miscarriage

Blessings and peace to you,

Leslie

Day 3 : After Loss Self Portrait

It is actually hard to find a self portrait after my first loss. Seems like for a while I completely avoided the camera. Here's the first I could find. Must've been at least 6 months after my first miscarriage.

Blessings and peace to you,

Leslie

Day 2 : Before Loss Self-Portrait

Day 2 calls for a self-portrait before pregnancy loss. This is a picture of me back in 2005 while living in Minot. I had many pictures of myself and seemed pretty happy (though I know I was struggling with other things) overall. I have noticed that I haven't taken nearly as many pictures of myself, and hate the pictures I am in, since my losses.

Blessings and peace to you,
Leslie

Day 1 : Sunrise

Today, the theme is 'Sunrise' and we are to  post a picture of the sunrise wherever we are in the world. Well, I didn't get a picture of the sunrise, but did want to share some amazing sunrise pictures I have from before today.

The first picture was taken while I was on my way to work back in 2006. We lived in Carrollton and I worked in Dallas, so I had a decent commute each morning. One morning I happened to have my camera stashed in my purse and while sitting and waiting in traffic, snapped this pic. This was after our first loss and before my pregnancy with my second living child.

This next sunrise picture was taken while we were on vacation in South Padre. This was less than a month after I lost my 3rd angel baby and these pictures were very healing for me. My husband took these very early one morning.

Blessings and peace to you,
Leslie

LIFE goes on

I never wanted to hear that phrase in the immediate aftermath of my losses. I mean, who would? In that moment, it doesn't feel like you're living at all, and truth be told, many times you wish you were dead just so that you could hold your little one for a single moment.

Here's my story.

While I always knew I had wanted a family and lots of kids, I never thought I'd be pregnant at 18. Either way, I was super excited about it and had an uneventful pregnancy went into labor and gave birth 6 weeks early to my first son. He was beautiful and perfect and I couldn't imagine life getting better than this. Of course, within just a matter of a year or so, I was ready to add another little blessing to the mix as I just loved being a mom and all the moments shared with my child. So...we figured all we'd have to do was 'try' a bit, right...you know, the whole 'be fruitful and multiply' thing, or as my husband kept saying, "Let's get biblical!" Nice, right? Well, after a few months in and no pregnancy yet, I had to admit I felt a little broken.

After what felt like such a long time (which in reality was just 9 months), just a week or so after New Years 2006, I missed the start of a new cycle. I didn't even have time to do a pregnancy test, though, before I started bleeding and losing my baby at 5 weeks pregnant on January 24th, 2006. Needless to say, I was in a bit of shock, but never let the actual situation process in my brain. Maybe it was due to my treatment from the MTF and doctor there (I had been in to the OB there on base asking about getting pregnant and when I went in telling them about my loss, they completely brushed me off saying 'it happens' and told me it was my fault because my iron was consistently low). Maybe it was because I had never been exposed to anyone's experience with a miscarriage. Or maybe I was just in denial. For whatever reason, I never did too much grieving and I have paid for that quite a bit since then.

It was another 9 months later that we found out I was expecting again, and this time we did go on to have our second living child, a little girl, in May 2007. The pregnancy, however, was very eventful, including going into the ER at 6 weeks pregnant with awful abdominal pain, having them do an ultrasound and tell me that I would probably miscarry. I was so very grateful to have her in my arms 9 months later, despite the anxiety attacks in the hospital.

Since it had taken us a year and a half to achieve a 'successful pregnancy' (how awful a phrase is that?), we never thought that we could get pregnant again without trying for a lengthy period of time. Oh, how wrong that assumption was! Just 3 months after that birth, I was pregnant again! Right around the time we found out I was pregnant, I did start spotting a bit, and of course I got scared. Then at 8.5 weeks pregnant, we lost our baby on October 23, 2007. I wasn't prepared at all for the physical pain that came with it. Sure, with my first loss, there was a bit more cramping and bleeding than usual, but nothing like this. I really did almost feel like I was in labor at some points as it was a lot of pressure and pain. After 2 days of heavy bleeding, I passed my baby on the 3rd day. As gross or horrible as it may sound, I actually got to hold my angel this time and it brought such a sense of release and closure. I still didn't give myself much time to grieve, but at least I felt that I had the chance to hold my precious little angel.

Even more surprising than getting pregnant at 3 months postpartum after trying for a year and a half to have a living child was the fact that I got pregnant again that very next cycle after my second miscarriage. And that sweet rainbow baby was a precious little girl born naturally after a very smooth pregnancy in August 2008. Definitely her angels watching over her.

At that point in my life, I really did feel ready and called to have more children whenever God decided we should, but I didn't feel the need to try like we did for our second child. So it was a nice 'surprise' to find out we were expecting again in early August 2009! We were due to go on vacation at the beach the second week in September and I was hoping to break the news to our family we were going with at that point. On the morning of August 11th, I woke up and just felt my heart drop. I felt wet and somehow just knew it was over. No one else was awake yet, so I walked outside to just cry by myself. The sun had just come up and as I looked over to a neighbors fence, it was covered in beautiful bluish purple flowers. I looked them up and found out they are called Morning Glories and only open for a short time in the morning, then close again in the afternoon and evenings. It seemed perfect to find on that particular morning and gave me a bit of comfort.

Since then, I have gone on to have 2 more living children, resulting in 5 living children and 3 angel babies. Each time I meet with a health care provider, they ask the questions about how many pregnancies and just nonchalantly go about their jobs asking about when they were lost and such without any feeling or emotion. Sure, I haven't in any way fully grieved any of my angels, but it just feels like I can't really talk about it or say much to anyone. Yet, this is my story and this is now my 'safe place' to share it. And LIFE goes on....

Blessings and peace to you,
Leslie